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Tag Archives: loss

Memories Of Mother ~ Chapter 61… May 14, 2015: Still Breathing

14 Thursday May 2015

Posted by duckykoren in Family, Grief, Loss, love, Stories

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Beauty, Family, grief, hair, loss, love, salons, Stories

image

One of the last things that my Mother ever gave me was a hairbrush.

This is a rather serendipitous revelation for me because I always loved my Mother’s hairbrushes.

Even as a little girl, no matter how many hairbrushes my Mother would supply me with, it was always her hairbrush that I would reach for first.

I know she found it frustrating, but I really didn’t care.

Yes, I loved her and her hair brushes that much.

My Mother did not look happy when she handed me this last hairbrush.

It was on the small side. It had a little black plastic handle and tiny white bristles. It looked very plain.

“Do you want to know how much I paid for this brush,” she asked me?

“How much?” I responded.

“Twenty-eight dollars.”

“Really, how did that happen?”

“I was paying my bill at the hairdressers when I saw the brush under their glass counter. I liked the small size of it and thought it would be perfect for my purse.”

Looking at the brush, I surmised that twenty-eight dollars was about the right price you would pay for a gourmet hairbrush at the beauty salon.

Mother continued:

It wasn’t until I got to the car that I looked at my credit card receipt and saw that the bill was rather high. That’s when I noticed that they charged me $28 for the hairbrush.”

“Why didn’t you return it?”

She shrugged her shoulders.

“Do you like it,” she asked me.

“Yes,” I said running the brush through my long hair.

“It will do just fine, thank you.”

Now… fast forward fourteen months:

I was not looking forward to May 14, 2015.

This day marks the one year anniversary since my Mother’s passing.

I lost her at 6 AM. It was a bright and sunny morning, just as peaceful as her passing.

As I reported to work for my midnight shift, I was confident that I could keep my thoughts positive and not give in to the sadness of this day.

At one point of the shift I went to the ladies room. It was hard not to think about her.

Seeing my unkempt hair in the mirror, I resolved to brush it out and rebraid it.

There was something about brushing out my hair that I always found soothing.

Looking at the brush in my hand I noticed that it was the brush that Mother gave me forteen months earlier.

The sight of it and the circumstances in which I received it brought me joy, and I immediately felt better.

If only I could go back to the moments in which she gave me that brush and tell her what a comfort it would be to her daughter less than a year and a half later.

Maybe then, she wouldn’t have been so unhappy about paying so much for that small little hairbrush that would wind up in her daughter’s jacket pocket. A brush which is both cherished and used daily.

In June of last year I wrote a series of sixty blog posts dedicated to my Mother’s memory.

The first blog post was titled “The Last Promise” which was about my last promise to my Mother.

I gave my promise that I would keep on breathing for her.

Well…

It’s one year later.

…

Still breathing!
🙂

My.Daily.Distraction ~ Post 145: Agreeing To Disagree

16 Monday Mar 2015

Posted by duckykoren in Celebrities, Entertainment, Television

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Aerosmith, American Idol, celebrities, Entertainment, grief, Jaylo, Jennifer Lopez, Judge, loss, Mother, Movies, Music, Scotty McCreary, Steve Tyler, Television, Vermont

I’d like to take this opportunity to poke a little good humoured fun at my Mother with the following short story.

Don’t worry…

She just loved to poke fun at me whenever she could.

In fact, she never missed an opportunity.

Like all Mothers and daughters, we had our disagreements.

I liked Johnny Depp, she didn’t like Marty Stewart, she loved Fox News, I preferred CNN, she liked the republicans, I was all about the democrats.

You get the picture.

There were a few things we agreed on too.

Like Jaylo for example. We both agreed that we didn’t like Jaylo.

Then came the night that I got a phone call from her.

She was a big fan of the television show American Idol.

I wasn’t.

She never missed an episode, and made sure she kept me up to date on every episode whether I wanted to hear about it or not.

“Guess what?” …she asked me as soon as I picked up the telephone receiver.

“What?” …I said.

“I just went online and bought a set of Jennifer Lopez movies.”

Yup, I thought to myself… her obsession for American Idol is kicking in again. The same thing happened when Steve Tyler became a judge. After decades of turning the radio dial every time Aerosmith started playing, she suddenly became his biggest fan.

Don’t even get me started on Scotty McCreary.

I sensed a moment of confusion before asking her:

“Now why would you buy a set of Jennifer Lopez movies when you don’t even like her?”

“I love Jennifer Lopez, I watch her every week on American Idol,” she replied.

“Mother, Jennifer Lopez is Jaylo.”

There was a few moments of silence as she thought that one through.

“I hate Jaylo!” she replied.

I was smiling at this enigmatic faux pas of hers for days.

I don’t know whatever became of those movies that she ordered. When I packed up her apartment they were nowhere to be seen. That will remain as one of life’s little mysteries to me. Maybe she cancelled them. Maybe she burned them.

In closing, it’s a good feeling to know that even though she’s gone…

…She can still make me smile.

I miss her so…

My.Daily.Distraction ~ Post 66: Peace On Earth

20 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by duckykoren in non-fiction, Peace, Stories, Travel

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blogs, Cleveland, death, flags, grandfathers, Grandmothers, grief, Happy, Hospital, Italy, lights, loss, love, Niagara Falls, pace, Pantheon, Peace, Peace on Earth, Rome, Writing

As I get older, I’ve begun to notice that I observe holidays and occasions with a different focus lens than the ones I used in my earlier years.

Further, it is with sadness that I take a few moments to remember my loved ones who are no longer here.

My grandfather always had a wonderful way with words.

I remember asking him if he had one wish, what would it be?

“Peace on Earth,” was his reply.

He would say these words often and with meaning.

If there was an uncomfortable pause in conversation during a stressful family moment, he would break the silence with the words…

“Peace on earth.”

After listening to disturbing news coverage, again, we would all hear him say…

“Peace on earth…”

as his own resounding amen to the state of the world, the country, mankind.

And then came the sad day, when we laid my grandfather to rest in late January 2000.

Driving back from the memorial service my heart was searching for a healing balm to take away the pain of losing him.

I did not have to search long.

Maybe it was only a coincidence.

Maybe it was because of a forgetful maintenance man.

Some might even say that it was serendipity.

Because driving by a lit up hospital during late night January, I saw his very own words emblazoned in white frothy Christmas lights all over the hospital’s front entrance…

‘Peace On Earth.’

Look up the word ‘serendipity on Wikipedia and you’ll find the following definition:

“Serendipity is when someone finds something that they weren’t expecting to find. In the simplest of words, it means a “happy accident”.

I believe in serendipity. Every now and then something seems to happen to me in the form of “a happy accident.”

Only, I know it isn’t an accident. Rather, it’s a push or a nudge from forces far greater than myself signalling that miracles do happen to those who are open to the experience.

Take for example my next story:

I remember when I was about six years old, my paternal grandparents from Cleveland were visiting us in Toronto.

One day, we took a day trip to Niagara Falls.

As I sat in the back seat of the car next to my grandmother, she taught me the song: ‘Dona Nobis Pacem,’ which in English means

‘Peace on Earth’.

After singing a few choruses with her, and after I had learned it well enough to sing by myself, my grandmother and I then sang it as a round, again and again.

It is such a beautiful song, which I love deeply, even to this day.

And so, it was during a very happy time in my life when I found myself in Rome. We had just left the Pantheon and were making our way back to the hotel.

I looked up to a balcony and saw a flag hanging from a window that brought a happy mist to my eyes.

The flag bore only one word.

‘Pacem,’

This word, of course, is Latin for Peace, or…

better known to me as:

Dona Nobis Pacem

Give us peace.

My.Daily.Distraction ~ Post 52: Requiem 2014

10 Wednesday Dec 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Entertainment, Obituaries

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Tags

alcohol abuse, comedians, death, Depression, drug abuse, drugs, entertainers, Entertainment, Gambling, loss, Movies, oscars, overdose, Philip seymore hoffman, robin williams, smoking, suicide

And so 2014 now draws to a close…

One year ago, if you were to ask me who my favourite actor was my answer would have been Philip Seymour Hoffman.

And now over the past year we have sadly lost both Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams.

None of us saw the loss of these two men coming.

My daughter is a registered nurse and counsels people on how to deal with substance abuse and addictions. She tells me that people are often searching for the same high they encountered in their first drug experience.

The medical community calls this “Chasing the Green Dragon”.

I believe that all of us have or have had at least one green dragon or vice in our life. It could be drugs, gambling, alcohol, sex, smoking, or a multitude of other behaviours and traits that can easily wind up to be all consuming.

Some of us chase the Green Dragon.

Others run away from it.

And we never know what’s around the corner, or what day will be our last.

Not me, not you.

No one.

And I only say that because we have freedom of choice: The ability to make good choices, not so good choices, and deadly ones.

I’m grateful for Philip Seymore Hoffman and Robin Williams. Thanks to movie and computer magic, I will be able to enjoy their vast library of work for the rest of my days.

I can only hope that in death both Philip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams found the peace that had eluded them in life.

Everyone deserves peace of mind while they are still among the living.

Wouldn’t you agree.

On that note…

May all of your green dragons be banish-able ones.

My.Daily.Distraction ~ Post 8: My Mother’s Watch

09 Sunday Nov 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Breast Cancer, Grieving, Loss, Religion, Stories

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Blessings, Breast Cancer, Faith, Family, Grace, grief, loss, love, Memorial, mothers, Pain, Peace, Strength, Time, Watches

I’m not one to say that I believe in ghosts.

However, I do believe in serendipity and the power of a good story.

I enjoy digging through my experiences in search of hidden analogies with the same passion that a pirate seeks his treasure.

Whereas a pirate’s treasure consists of gold silver and jewels, my treasure trove is more metaphysical in nature.

I seek redemption, revelation, and epiphanies.

When my Grandfather died, as we drove home after the memorial service I sat in the car and stared out into the night trying to grab onto a thought that would bring me peace and strength.

Imagine my surprise as we drove by a hospital with its Christmas lights still on, proclaiming the words:

“PEACE ON EARTH…”

They were ablaze in white light over the hospital portico.

At last, I found solace in the memory that “Peace On Earth” had been one of my Grandfather’s favourite tag lines which he often used to punctuate a significant moment in family life.

That being said, let’s fast forward to now.

This week marks the six month since my Mother’s passing.

Once again I found myself searching for something which would help heal the pain of losing her.

It came in the form of her watch, which is the first timepiece I’ve worn in thirty years.

I found her stoic and austere black watch highly amusing because of it’s vast contrast to my Mother’s gregarious and flamboyant nature.

Indeed, trying to reconcile as to why my Mother would choose to wear such a Spartinian timepiece has continued to be a pleasant muse for me.

Last weekend marked the seasonal “Fall Back” an hour in observance to daylight savings time.

I had resisted resetting the watch, preferring to leave it as Mother had set it last while she was still alive.

When the clocks moved back an hour I was forced to manually set it back, which consisted of first pressing down on the crown in an effort to gain control of the watch hands.

As I did so, imagine my pleasant surprise when suddenly Mother’s somber watch became alive with a beautiful green glow.

Up until that point in time, I had never seen her watch shine.

And green had always been her favourite colour too.

Somehow, I found joy, peace and strength in that very moment.

Which leads me to this:

There are those continually seek a state of grace.

And then there are those who know that they already are in a perpetual state of grace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Memories Of Mother… Post 47: Lipstick Red

20 Sunday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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Airport, blogs, Breast Cancer, Family, grief, loss, love, Orange, Red, Travel, Vermont

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This blog post was originally posted in September 2012 when I flew to Vermont to celebrate Mother’s 71st birthday.

Out of the hundred or so pictures that I took while visiting my Mother for her birthday this past weekend, I unfortunately missed my chance to take what would have been a very proud moment for me.

As you may or may not know, all my life, Mother has been trying to convert me from my usual red lipstick to wearing her shade of 24 carat ORANGE lipstick.

She was not successful.

Imagine then, my pleasant surprise when she met me at the airport on Saturday wearing RED lipstick.

I didn’t really notice at first as I got in the passenger side of her car where she was waiting. However, I did notice that there was something more vibrant about her, more fun.  As as I bent over to give her a kiss, she asked me a question that caught me quite by surprise.

“Didn’t you notice?” she asked.

“Yes,” I replied after taking a better look at her face.

“You’re wearing red lipstick, how wonderful!”

She then began to reach for the kleenex that was already waiting in her purse.

“Good,” she said, “now that you’ve seen it I can take it off.”

And so she did.  Thirty seconds later, she was back to her former self, clad in orange and all.

I let out a sad sigh.  So close, I thought.

Now that was one picture that I would have cherished… Mother wearing bright red lipstick.

I had my chance and missed it.

Maybe it’s just as well that I didn’t take a picture.

Mother would not have been impressed.

She did after all, put in on just to humour me…

…if only for 10 seconds.

However, the sweet memory of her in red lipstick will stay with me always.

Always.

Memories Of Mother… Post 44: The Sum Of All Jeers

17 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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Tags

Breast Cancer, Cancer, families, grief, hospice, loss, love, Math, mothers, Vermont

image

My Mother always kept a calculator on her kitchen table…

…except for mealtimes of course.

It was the type of calulator that had a roll of printing paper in the back.

With every calculation Mother punched in, it would answer her back with a resounding:

“Ka-Chunk-A-Chunk-A-Chunk.”

I really learned to hate that sound.

No, I never much liked that calculator at all.

Maybe because I was jealous.

Maybe because it was better at math than I was.

And faster too.

And the printed paper that got spit out with the correct sum of the calculations was proof that yes, the calculator was smarter than I was.

I was never any good at numbers.

Mother always claimed the same.

She repeated to me again and again how much she disliked her chosen profession of accounting.

And yet, she tenaciously clung to her accounting business until her very last days.

Mother was a Virgo to my Pieces.

She was a black-and-white mentality with no room for grey in between.

However, as her daughter I was pragmatic and given to compromise.

It seemed that we disagreed on just about everything over the last few years:

Politics.
Her health.
Society.
Family business.
Celebrities.
Even our own religion.

Towards the end, I made it a point to seriously pray for strength and guidance while I visited my mother.

The last thing I wanted to do was to get upset or angry with her.

The problem was mine.

Not hers.

I needed to learn more patience, as she grew more forgetful, more confused, more tenacious and more stubborn.

I asked my friends if their Mothers ever drove them crazy.

The answer was a resounding yes.

However, one of the few things that united Mother and I, and bound us up in love was when we agreed at how blessed we were to be part of the Scherer family legacy.

It was always a positive point of reference to return to after one of our more challenging discussions.

And so…

When word came that Mother was on end-of-life care, we had to begin dismantling her apartment.

At last, it was time to clear out her favourite corner of the apartment.

That’s where she sat by her round wooden table with her computer to her left and her paperwork to her right.

It’s where she sat and surfed through Amazon stores to find her amazing clothes.

It’s where she ate her meals, did her accounting, played on the computer, did her nails, and spoke on the phone.

Clearing out this wonderful little nook was going to be tough.

It was only then that I noticed Mother’s calculator on the top of the table as always.

It was at least 25 years old, ivory white, bulky, with a roll of paper in the back awaiting it’s next calculation.

It was then that I realized again how much I really despised that calculator.

How many times had Mother and I been in mid conversation, when suddenly, out of nowhere, she would begin to madly press the calculator buttons, which was followed by the inevitable:

“Ka-Chunk-A-Chunk-A-Chunk.”

Had our conversation been that boring?

Really?

Not taking my eyes off the calculator, I paused a few moments to consider my options of what to do with this contemptible machine.

Then, without knowing why, I surprised myself by throwing it into the “stuff to take home” box on my right side rather than the garbage bin to the left.

No doubt, you must be curious as to why I did not want to throw it away after secretly despising it for the past twenty-five years.

Well, as with many of Mother’s things , I guess I just was not ready to let it go.

Now, you cannot imagine my disappointment last weekend when I couldn’t find Mother’s calculator in any of the boxes that I brought home from Vermont.

I had assumed that it was forgotten, or mixed in with boxes designated to stay behind.

However, looking back, I now understand the reason for why it was left behind.

Maybe I wasn’t willing to let go of Mother’s calculator….

However, it’s clear to me now…

That Mother’s calculator…

…Was willing to let go of me.

 

(Photo above is of my husband’s calculator, almost identical to Mother’s.)

Memories Of My Mother… Post 36: Thank You For The Rose So Sweet

10 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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#joy, Blessings, blogs, Breast Cancer, Cancer, daughters, Family, Fragrance, gifts, God, grateful, grief, hospice, life, loss, mourning, respite house, rose, roses, Stories, thankful

image

It was about 3 o’clock in the afternoon on Mother’s Day when I found myself in the Respite House kitchen helping myself to a cup of coffee.

That was when I was approached by a volunteer.

“Have you received one of our brunch bags?” she asked me.

I asked her what ‘brunch bags’ she was referring to.

She reached into a box beside a kitchen counter and the next thing I knew was that I was being handed a medium-sized brown paper shopping bag.

Although I could not see what was inside the bag I did notice that the bag held two long-stem roses.

They were lovely and hard to miss.

One rose was white, the other yellow.

“We’re giving these to all of our mothers today for Mother’s Day,” she said as she handed the bag to me.

“How lovely,” I said as I accepted the offered brunch bag.

“Thank you!”

It was an extremely kind gesture from the Respite House. I considered this an unexpected and deeply appreciated token of goodwill.

With my brunch bag in one hand and my coffee in the other, I return to Mother’s room to find that the nurses had done a fine job of tending to her needs. They had changed her into a fresh nightgown, made the bed, and had even fluffed her pillow. A small fan in the corner kept the air cool and comfortable.

I leaned over the bed and kissed her cheek. She smelled wonderful.

Seeing that her eyes were open I held up and showed her the brown paper shopping bag.

“Look what I got,” I said with a smile.

A pleasant look of surprise came over her face. I noticed that her cheeks looked a little flushed.

I was curious as to the contents of the brunch bag. However, there was too much tissue in the way to see what was at the bottom of the bag. I would have to wait until later to see what culinary goodies awaited.

Since the volunteer had called it a brunch bag it was safe to assume that the contents included edibles of one sort or another.

Goody, I thought to myself…

Dinner!

Earlier, I had been thinking about what I would have for dinner that night. Mother’s fridge lacked fresh fruits and vegetables. The only item of interest was a jar of expired spaghetti sauce in her cupboard and a package of dried pasta.

Pass.

Maybe, I could go to the local Friendly’s or even the pizzeria. However, I knew that by the time I left the Respite House I would not have the strength nor will to go and order dinner.

Rest was most important right now.

Whatever was inside the bunch bag would be my dinner.

And thankfully so…

Problem solved.

As I put the bag down, I took out one of the roses, the yellow one, and held it out towards Mother.

She smiled at the sight of it.

As I held the rose closer to her nose, she inhaled the fragrance as deeply as she could.

She conveyed the sweetness of the rose’s fragrance with an unmistakable…

“Ahhhh… ”

Once again, I brought the flower closer to her so that she could enjoy the fragrance of a rose for a second time…

…and most likely, the very last time.

I was keenly aware that this was another Mother Daughter moment that I would remember for the rest of my life.

It was a precious moment.

It was a joyful moment.

And I instinctively knew, that this moment…

Was yet one more gift.

And there were still many more yet to come.

 

 

 

 

Memories of Mother… Post 32: Vermont Cuisine at Shanty On The Shore

05 Saturday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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Tags

Birthdays, blogs, Breast Cancer, Burlington, Cancer, Crabs, Family, Food, grief, loss, love, mothers, Seafood, Shanty On The Shore, Stories, Travel, Vermont

IMG_0398

 

In March 2013, I published the following post:

 

For a birthday surprise, my Mother had planned to take me to Stowe, Vermont where we would enjoy some nice German cuisine at the Trapp Family Lodge.

After checking out their restaurant hours online, she printed out the luncheon menu and handed it to me.

Their fare was as follows:

Soup of the day…
Green salad with pecans…
Chicken BLT…
Assorted sausages…
Grilled Cheese Sandwich…

Certainly not the German entrees that we had expected, and certainly not worth the two hours it would take to drive there and back again.

Instead, we decided to visit a little seafood restaurant right along the shore of Lake Champlain called ‘Shanty On The Shore.’

It was a three story old wooden building and as you walked across the floors they would squeak you old shanty squeaky sea songs.
The walls, tables and chairs were painted in glossy bright nautical reds and blues.
We sat at a table along the back wall that overlooked the lake with a Burlington ferry dock and marina in between.

As the entrees were placed before us, we were handed our bibs. Mother put hers on, however I passed on mine.

If this was going to be messy, then let it be so…

What followed wasn’t pretty.

We commenced to smother ourselves in butter, garlic, lemon and a lot of tasty morsels of seafood ambrosia.

By the time our feast was over, we fell back into our seats with sated delight and….
… smiled at each other.

We both agreed that passing up the Trapp family Lodge had been a good call.

Believe it or not, Mother actually had enough handi-wipes in her purse to make us presentable to the public. I felt like a kid again as she pointed out the crumbs I had missed and brushed away the coleslaw from my blouse.

It was at that moment that I was very grateful that there are some things that never change.

As we exited this sea food shanty, she turned right as she headed back to the car, while I turned left so that I could take a little walk, and enjoy a few moments of life along the Lake Champlain shore.

Maybe, I would even take a couple of pictures.

As I walked along, it was the simple things that caught my eye:

…grown over train tracks choked with weeds and grass and red with rust,
…a parked bicycle chained along a broken fence, patiently waiting for its owner to return,
…an empty parking queuing area for the Burlington ferry where Frank and I had gone through many times during our visits to Vermont.

I enjoyed every moment knowing full well at this was my final day in Vermont before heading home tomorrow.

And so ends my blog posts for this weeks journey to Vermont.

It was very nice and peaceful visit.
Thank you Mother…
Thanks for everything….
*****

——–

Memories Of Mother… Part 24: The Most Amazing Fragrance Ever

28 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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Tags

blogs, Breast Cancer, Family, Fragrance, grief, loss, love, mothers, Stories

 

Image

 

To me, the most amazing fragrance ever was the scent that would greet anyone whoever walked into my mother’s apartment.

Without a doubt that would be the first thing that you would notice the moment you walk through her door.

“Damn, how does she do that?”…

…were my husband’s first words after he unlocked her door and entered her apartment for the first time since our arrival in Vermont.

To me, it was no big secret.

All you needed was a closet to the immediate left of the main entrance door.  Then you would stock this closet to the brim with the finest aromatically provocative fabric softeners, detergents, and room fresheners that money could buy.

Let me tell you that these fragrances were so incredible and powerful that after we returned home with the boxes of Mother’s clothes and blankets we could still smell her apartment in our own house for two days.

I considered it as a parting gift from mother.

 

 

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