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Tag Archives: Cancer

My.Daily.Distraction ~ Post 154: Sucker Punched

25 Wednesday Mar 2015

Posted by duckykoren in depression, Health, Hospital, Mental Health

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Cancer, Hospital, Nurse, surgery

I sat quietly in the waiting room of a local hospital. Any moment now, my daughter would be admitted for her day surgery.

An elderly nurse with short curly brown hair appeared at the door and called out my daughter’s name. We both got up from our uncomfortable chairs and approached the nurse, who then asked us to follow her.

As we walked down the long hospital corridor, we passed by the seating area for the oncology admitting room.

It was there that I recognized a coworker sitting among the patients.

I knew that she had been ill, and had been off work. This was the first time that I had seen her since she had received the cancer diagnosis. Quickly, I walked up to my coworker and we exchanged greetings. Not quite knowing what to say, I told her that I hoped she would be feeling much better soon.

Then, I returned to my daughter and the nurse who were patiently waiting for me, right where I had left them.

I apologized for the momentary delay and explained to the nurse, that it would have been difficult to walk by and not say hello.

The nurse then told me that my short diversion had done no harm.

“You know,” she said to me as we continued to make our way through the corridor…

“I walk down this way a lot. Every time I walked by here, I would look up and always see someone I knew sitting in that waiting area, like someone from church, a neighbour, an old friend from school.”

A shadow then came across the nurse’s face.

“It was always so sad to see them there.”

Then, she lowered her eyes to the ground.

“Now, whenever I walk by here…

…I never look up any more. That way I never know who’s there.”

We continued to walk in silence until we reached what would be my daughter’s room for the day.

After instructing my daughter to change into a hospital gown, the nurse left us.

I found myself still contemplating what the nurse had said earlier. Her words had hit me hard. In fact I felt blindsided by the nurse’s ignorance and cold logic.

After I spent some time thinking about that conversation, I conceded to myself it’s a good thing that I never became a doctor or a nurse.

Why?

Because as hard as I might have tried, I never would have been able to stop myself from keeping my head up as I surveyed the oncology waiting room as I walked by.

For all I knew, it could have been someone important who maybe needed some comforting…

Like someone from church, a neighbour, or an old friend from school.

My.Daily.Distraction ~ Post 118: My Old Man

17 Tuesday Feb 2015

Posted by duckykoren in Family, non-fiction, time, Writing

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Aging, Austria, bike, bike riding, Cancer, euphemism, Family, fathers, girlfriend, Kitchen, life, mistake, teenager, telephone

When I was a teenager I once made the mistake of calling my father:

“My Old Man.”

It happened in the kitchen at home while I was on the phone with a girlfriend. Dad was sitting at the kitchen table right next to me having something to eat.

My statement was as follows:

“Yes, I’d love to go with you, but I have to ask My Old Man first.”

The moment I got off the phone he shot me a look.

Then he asked me:

“Did you just call me an old man?”

I was caught off guard by his question, and immediately felt bad.

It never occurred to me that he would take the comment so personally.

He was usually pretty upbeat when it came to popular teenage slang, but unfortunately, I must have hit a nerve.

To me, the term…

“My Old Man,”

Was a term of endearment, and not meant to be demeaning.

Well, he didn’t quite see it that way.

When I tried to explain that it was just a euphemism of sorts, he would have none of it.

“I am not an old man!” …he said one last time and then went on to finish his plate.

He would have been in his early forties back then. Certainly not an old man but still, he had a teenage daughter and so he was well on his way.

Or that’s what I thought back then.

Isn’t it funny how we misconstrued time when we were teenagers.

Surprisingly as I look back, I find myself amused over his reaction.

Never before had I witnessed any sort of display resembling vanity or ego from him.

…Other than how he always loved to tell people that his eyesight was so good that if you placed a newspaper on the floor, he could read it standing up.

…Or when someone raised the subject of muscles he spoke at length about his years of bike riding as a young boy through the mountains of Austria. Indeed, Dad was still quite fit thanks to the fact that he always walked six kilometres each day.

And so, I agreed to never call him “My Old Man” again.

Lesson learned.

It wasn’t long after that, that I started calling him…

…”Father.”

It was truthful, professional and had a bit of a bite to it.

I called him “Father” at home, in the grocery store, at work, wherever.

He eventually got use to it after several months.

Sweetly enough, by then all the little tots in the neighbourhood started calling him Father too!

Funny… he didn’t mind that so much.

And oh, how he loved the little ones…

Well, Father died ten years ago at the age of seventy-two.

It was the cancer that got him in the end.

No doubt, he felt that his body had betrayed him because he had always lived a healthy lifestyle of exercise, vitamins and eating well.

This year he would have turned eighty-two.

And of course, he would have indeed been an old man.

If he were still alive today I think he would have rather liked me referring to him as…

“My Old Man.”

Yes, I think he would have liked it a lot.

My.Daily.Distraction ~ Post 108… No More Suffering

07 Saturday Feb 2015

Posted by duckykoren in Canada, Cancer, Health, Law, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Canada, Cancer, death, Family, Law, Right To Die, Supreme Court

Yesterday and finally, the Supreme Court of Canada struck down the ban on doctor assisted suicide.

As per the Huffington Post:

“The court unanimously struck down the ban on providing a doctor assisted death to mentally competent but suffering and irremediable patients.”

I lost both parents to cancer and saw each bedside vigil to it’s inevitable and ultimate conclusion.

Both times it was incomprehensible to me that laws refused any death with dignity.

Hopefully, this ends now.

Families across Canada will never have to experience the helplessness at not being able to tell the medical community as their loved ones slowly, ever so slowly walk through the valleys in the shadow of death:

“No more suffering…

…Enough.”

Memories Of Mother… Post 60: Closing The Book

02 Saturday Aug 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Cancer, Family Stories

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Tags

blogs, Breast Cancer, Cancer, Family, grief, love

image

The photo that you see above is the journal that has not left my side for the past three months.

It accompanied me to Vermont, as a notebook for Doctor’s names, telephone numbers, things I had to do and people that needed to be remembered.

Even my coworkers are well familiar with this book. It was my companion at work each day with every break and lunch time to jot down notes and ideas as they came to mind.

Every page was assigned with a Post-it note that included a storyline.

After each and every page was full I had to start doubling and tripling the posted notes on each page. Some pages had as many as five or six Post-it notes. Multiply the Post-it notes by the number of pages in the book, (approximately 140) and you come up with a number of stories I had to choose from.

Well, today is the day that I publish my 60th post on Memories Of Mother, which will be the final one as well.

That is not to say that I will not continue to write about her from time to time.

Among the stories still not written:

Hurling day,
The best summer ever,
Love is,
Ti spacco la faccia ( I will break your face),

The list goes on.

Well, I don’t know the exact word count of the 60 posts but I figure that it should be around 35,000 words.

These posts will within the next few months be published as an e-book.

On another note, I did considered writing as the final chapter the days following Mother’s passing.

The dismantling of her apartment, the journey home, the packing and unpacking.

I’ve decided instead to save that for another time.

I feel the need to move on.

Instead, I wish to use this opportunity to express my thanks for all the telephone calls of concern, the emails, the Facebook posts, the flowers, the food, the kisses, hugs, tears and letters, the love, the sharing and the caring.

Out of respect for the privacy of all my friends and family I thought it best not to mention names in any of the posts. I hope you understand.

Each of you know who you are, what you said, what you did to encourage me, and sustain me through this life’s passage.

There is not one prayer, phone call, conversation, or ‘like’ on Facebook posts that went unnoticed.

I’m grateful for the love and friendship you have shown in the past three months.

Further, unending love, gratitude, and a thankful heart goes to my husband Frank who made my last journey to Vermont possible.

At the moment I received the phone call informing me of Mother’s critical condition he began planning and coordinating every step, every detail that helped everything fall into place.  Still… he is dealing with details and helping me to move on.

Loving thanks to my Daughters who helped keep me rooted with love and compassion by being strong when I could not be.

Finally, to my Mother’s Best Friend, and she knows who she is:

I will never forget your kindness, your help, your guidance. I simply cannot thank you enough for all you did. I think of you every day and thank God you were there for me.

Tomorrow I begin on a new writing project.

My heart is at last content and at peace.

Love to all…

Doris

 

 

Memories Of Mother… Post 54: Wild Child

27 Sunday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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Tags

Breast Cancer, Cancer, Grandmother, Mother

image

Mother loved to tell me about how my Grandmother always called her “Strassenkoeter” as a child, which is German for ‘street urchin’, or even ‘wild mongrel’.

Apparently, Mother was always in trouble for one thing or another: staying out after dark, not coming home when she was suppose to, not informing her parents where she was going, or asking their permission.

There were times when my Grandmother was beside herself with worry, and would threaten her that if she isn’t more careful, the gypsies will steal her away from them.

However, upon hearing my Grandmother saying this my Grandfather would always disagree with her:

“You don’t have to worry about the gypsies stealing her, ” he’d say with a smile to my Grandmother.

“Because, I have no doubt that they will return her before morning.”

Memories of Mother… Post 52: Unfinished Business

25 Friday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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blogs, Breast Cancer, Cancer, Family, grief, love, mothers, Projects, Unfinished Business

 

image

You may not know this but my mother was quite adept at embroidery.

This fact, still surprises me every time I think about it.

Tablecloths were her speciality, especially Christmas ones.

I remember when I was very young she gave my paternal grandmother a beautiful tablecloth to embroider. My grandmother had gotten only one corner completed before she passed away. My grandfather give it back to me to finish.

That was back in 1976,  38 years ago. And there’s yet still one corner of the tablecloth for me to do.

Several years back, Mother gave me some of her unfinished table cloths as well.  They are still in boxes.

No doubt we all have started projects that we never seem to be able to finish.

Just think…
our unfinished business…

What would we do without it?

I firmly believe that my Mother revelled in her unfinished business.

To me, unfinished business is that there is more to be done, somewhere somehow, at some time.

Come to think of it, Mother didn’t just revel in her unfinished business, it sustained her.

Several weeks ago, a close friend asked me…

“What made your Mother tick?

That was a very good question, and I gave it a lot of thought.

After she passed away we learned that Mother had far more unfinished business than what we had anticipated.

Further, as it turns out Mother was much sicker than any of us ever thought possible.

And so I ask the question:

Is it possible that it was unfinished business that motivated her and kept her on her feet for the last several months?

Did her unfinished business include the opportunity to talk to that loving friend just one more time?

To be able to take just one more holiday?

To watch a couple of more seasons of ‘Touched By An Angel’?

The chance to purchase that one last car?

Maybe just one more toy?

To be able to say I love you to that special loved one just once more?

I would say that’s a pretty good possibility.

And so…

I am therefore thankful…

…For the unfinished business that Mother refused to finish.

It gave us more time to be together.

I am also thankful for my own finished business…

Like my unfinished knitting and table cloths…

In fact, may there always be some unfinished business in our lives for you and me to kick around.

 

Memories Of Mother… Post 51: Care Mail

24 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

blogs, Breast Cancer, Cancer, Care, Coworkers, Family, Friends, love, Mail, mothers, postcards, Writing

 

image

 

The picture you see above is a photo of the postcard written by a good friend of mine from work.

There were many people who were good and kind enough to write out encouraging and well wishing postcards to my Mother after she received her cancer diagnosis.

Some messages are kept very simple.

Some very flattering.

Some were very silly.

And some were very funny.

All were sincere.

The card you see above I found especially touching.

Not only does he offer encouraging words to my Mother, he also refers very lovingly to his own. Never before have I known anyone who has written about their own Mother so fondly, tenderly, and with reverence.

It warmed my heart the first time I read it.

It warmed my heart when I received the postcard back right after losing Mother.

And it still warms my heart as I reminisce about her.

The postcard on the opposite side shows photographs of Montreal City… Hence the reference: “Greetings from Montreal

For those of you who can’t quite make out the handwriting my friend wrote:

————————

“Hello Grrr!

And greetings from Montreal!

I hope this card finds you in good spirits.

Doris told me of some health issues you’ve been having.

Know that we are pulling for you, and that in addition I have asked my Mother to pray for you.

Gerda, God really likes my Mom, so expect good things to start happening soon!!!

So until next time, keep a good thought and we’ll talk soon!

Lots of love…”

 

(Grrr was my Mother’s nickname, derived from her real name Gerda)

 

 

Memories Of Mother… Post 50: The Sailor And The Sea Monster

23 Wednesday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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Tags

blogs, Breast Cancer, Cancer, Family, Gerda Carroll, grief, hospice, Jim Carroll, Lake Champlain, love, Sailors, Sea Monsters, Stories, Travel, Vermont

image
Both Mother and Jim became part of Vermont folklore about 20 years ago.

Their claim to fame was that while out on a sailing trip on Lake Champlain, they caught sight of Champ, the Loch Ness monster of Lake Champlain.

For those of you not familiar with Vermont folklore, Lake Champlain is the home to Champ, a sea creature not unlike Scotland’s Loch Ness Monster.

As you can imagine, sightings are extremely rare. But there are accounts from witnesses who say they have without a doubt spotted it.

And so…

Yes, Mother and Jim became quite the celebrities when their story appeared in the local newspaper.

Jim even got a stint on the Vermont elementary school talk show circuit.

He really enjoyed telling the school children about how he and Mother spotted Champ while they were out on their sailboat. Champ appeared to be having a leisurely snack and a swim.

Jim explained to me what he saw:

“There was this thing floating on the water not too far ahead of us. It kind of looked like a log but it was way too big. Then I saw it’s head come up out of the water. It had a big long neck. It looked like it was eating something, because there was this long, skinny stuff hanging out of it’s mouth…. Kinda like toilet paper.”

Jim even went through the trouble of drawing me a picture of what he saw.

It only took one look for me to agree, that yes, that looked like a big old sea monster to me.

And so the story goes that Mother and Jim stood on their boat and continued to observe Champ in the water.

But then of course, mere observation was not enough for Mother.

No…

There is more to Jim’s story:

Apparently, Mother grabbed the underwater camera, handed it to Jim with the following instructions:

“Jump in the lake, swim up to Champ and take some pictures!”

Jim begged to differ, and refused her request.

He was not about to swim up to a sea monster for a photo shoot.

And quite frankly…

I don’t blame him one bit.

The situation that he happened to find himself in reminds me of a quote that goes:

“Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup!”

I’m sure the very same applies to anyone who swims up to Champ, the Lake Champlain sea monster with camera in hand just to do a photo op!

Memories Of Mother… Post 48: Camp Ta-Kum-Ta

21 Monday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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blogs, Breast Cancer, Camp, Camp Ta-Kum-Ta, Cancer, Children, Family, grief, love, mothers, Special needs

image

For several years Mother and Jim hosted Camp Ta-Kum-Ta.

According to this non-profit organization’s ebsite:

“Camp Ta-Kum-Ta provides challenging, extraordinary experiences in a safe and loving environment for children who have or have had cancer and their families.”

“Camp exists for Vermont and northern New York children, between the ages of seven and 17 at no cost to their families.”

Although I was never able to participate in Camp Ta-Kum-Ta, I would be remiss if I did not include this chapter and say how proud I am of both Mother and Jim’s contributions and efforts towards this wonderful organization.

They were the homestead to the incredible children and the organizers for several year during the 1990’s.

Camp Ta-Kum-Ta provides children battling cancer who are unable to attend conventional camp because of their special needs.

At that time Mother and Jim were fortunate enough to own a large home with a pool, deck, and several acres in the back.

There was lots of room for trailers and tents to provide those with special needs any emergency care when needed.

It was no small feat to organize the meals, the activities, and yes, even dances to help make the children’s experience at Camp Ta-Kum-Ta a memorable one.

There were sailboat rides, barbecues and other special events to help keep these special kids motivated and encouraged.

During the year, Mother would keep in touch with all of the children who lovingly called her Greta.

Once Mother did tell me a story that has stayed with me for the past twenty years.

There was a young boy who attended Camp-Ta-Kum-Ta for several years.

His name was Mikey.

Mikey’s favorite part of Camp Ta-Kum-Ta was the swimming pool.

The third year that Mother hosted this camp she decided to buy five floating noodles  (floatation devices) that are so popular nowadays.

Well, they had just started hitting the store shelves in the early 1990s.

Most unfortunately, Mikey had passed away after losing his battle with cancer during the previous year.

He was commemorated along with the other children who had passed away as well at their annual memorial service.

On the morning of the second day of Camp Ta-Kum-Ta Mother realized that there were only four of the floating noodle devices.

One was missing.

They searched everywhere on the grounds, even up and down the street but it was nowhere to be found. As hard as they tried to find it they could not.

Well, Mother came up with a solution of where it went.

When asked:

“Where did it go?”

Mother’s only response was:

“Well, you know…. Mikey wanted one too!”

If you happened to wonder about the origins of the unusual name:

The story goes that there was a young girl who because of her battle with cancer, was not allowed to attend camp like her brothers and sisters.

She told her Mother that she wanted a:

“Camp to come to too!”

Hence: Camp Ta-Kum-Ta!

If you would like to read more about this organization, please visit:

Camp Ta-Kum-Ta.org

The picture you see above are the steps leading from the dock on Lake Champlain to Mother and Jim’s house. Recently, both Mother and Jim’s ashes were interred by that same dock on Lake Champlain.

 

Memories Of Mother… Post 44: The Sum Of All Jeers

17 Thursday Jul 2014

Posted by duckykoren in Uncategorized

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Tags

Breast Cancer, Cancer, families, grief, hospice, loss, love, Math, mothers, Vermont

image

My Mother always kept a calculator on her kitchen table…

…except for mealtimes of course.

It was the type of calulator that had a roll of printing paper in the back.

With every calculation Mother punched in, it would answer her back with a resounding:

“Ka-Chunk-A-Chunk-A-Chunk.”

I really learned to hate that sound.

No, I never much liked that calculator at all.

Maybe because I was jealous.

Maybe because it was better at math than I was.

And faster too.

And the printed paper that got spit out with the correct sum of the calculations was proof that yes, the calculator was smarter than I was.

I was never any good at numbers.

Mother always claimed the same.

She repeated to me again and again how much she disliked her chosen profession of accounting.

And yet, she tenaciously clung to her accounting business until her very last days.

Mother was a Virgo to my Pieces.

She was a black-and-white mentality with no room for grey in between.

However, as her daughter I was pragmatic and given to compromise.

It seemed that we disagreed on just about everything over the last few years:

Politics.
Her health.
Society.
Family business.
Celebrities.
Even our own religion.

Towards the end, I made it a point to seriously pray for strength and guidance while I visited my mother.

The last thing I wanted to do was to get upset or angry with her.

The problem was mine.

Not hers.

I needed to learn more patience, as she grew more forgetful, more confused, more tenacious and more stubborn.

I asked my friends if their Mothers ever drove them crazy.

The answer was a resounding yes.

However, one of the few things that united Mother and I, and bound us up in love was when we agreed at how blessed we were to be part of the Scherer family legacy.

It was always a positive point of reference to return to after one of our more challenging discussions.

And so…

When word came that Mother was on end-of-life care, we had to begin dismantling her apartment.

At last, it was time to clear out her favourite corner of the apartment.

That’s where she sat by her round wooden table with her computer to her left and her paperwork to her right.

It’s where she sat and surfed through Amazon stores to find her amazing clothes.

It’s where she ate her meals, did her accounting, played on the computer, did her nails, and spoke on the phone.

Clearing out this wonderful little nook was going to be tough.

It was only then that I noticed Mother’s calculator on the top of the table as always.

It was at least 25 years old, ivory white, bulky, with a roll of paper in the back awaiting it’s next calculation.

It was then that I realized again how much I really despised that calculator.

How many times had Mother and I been in mid conversation, when suddenly, out of nowhere, she would begin to madly press the calculator buttons, which was followed by the inevitable:

“Ka-Chunk-A-Chunk-A-Chunk.”

Had our conversation been that boring?

Really?

Not taking my eyes off the calculator, I paused a few moments to consider my options of what to do with this contemptible machine.

Then, without knowing why, I surprised myself by throwing it into the “stuff to take home” box on my right side rather than the garbage bin to the left.

No doubt, you must be curious as to why I did not want to throw it away after secretly despising it for the past twenty-five years.

Well, as with many of Mother’s things , I guess I just was not ready to let it go.

Now, you cannot imagine my disappointment last weekend when I couldn’t find Mother’s calculator in any of the boxes that I brought home from Vermont.

I had assumed that it was forgotten, or mixed in with boxes designated to stay behind.

However, looking back, I now understand the reason for why it was left behind.

Maybe I wasn’t willing to let go of Mother’s calculator….

However, it’s clear to me now…

That Mother’s calculator…

…Was willing to let go of me.

 

(Photo above is of my husband’s calculator, almost identical to Mother’s.)

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