Photo taken September 2012
June 7th, 2014
On the of morning of May 6th, I surprised my mother by giving her a phone call in the morning something I rarely do because she usually phones me in the evening.
She told me she couldn’t talk right now as she was expecting a phone call from one of the nurses who visit her daily to help her with her cancer care regimen.
“They’re putting me in the Respite House,” she told me in a shaky voice.
I was stunned into a fearful silence as I knew the Respite House to be a hospice for the terminally ill. It was a beautiful place with about twenty beds. The care the patients receive is exemplary.
In fact, Jim, my Mother’s husband had been under their care when he died of cancer, January 12 2010.
She then explained that her stay was for only three days. Long enough for the staff to figure out what pain medications would work best for her. She and her doctors were experiencing a lot of difficulty in that area. Mother was not reacting well to any of her meds and then there was the question of the dosages she was taking as well.
For the rest of the day I was nauseous and did not go to work that night.
The next day I felt a bit better as my mental acceptance of the situation began to settle in my brain.
That night at work, I spent my lunch break alone in my work area and picked up my writing journal, pen and wrote the following:
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May 8th, 2014
Each day, as I observe my mother growing ever worse with the cancer I sense the fear freezing me from the inside out. It starts in my legs and works it’s way up until it reaches my lungs. And then, it suddenly stills my chest as if I have suddenly forgotten how to breathe.
How can I continue if I cannot breathe?
How can I breathe without my Mother?
Surely, the body will survive this crisis and I will continue on without my mother.
It is the fact that I will continue on that scares me most of all.
Yes, I will keep on breathing.
I will keep breathing for her….
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Within one week of writing the above, my beloved Mother was gone.
I was able to keep on breathing and will continue to breathe.
For her.
That was the last promise that I ever made to my Mother.
Epiphabets 
Lovely words Doris. Mother is watching from above and is very proud of the woman you have become.
Beautiful words that are emotive of so much! Those of us who have lost small pieces of ourselves whenever a loved one dies, have to remember that it’s okay to keep breathing! Doris, how poignantly you brought back the memories of losing my mother to cancer. Of the fear and pain that we the living experience as well! During the eulogy my youngest daughter read from a book ” My grandmother showed me the stars and she taught me that each generation casts lingering light on those who follow. And even today, no star shines brighter than my grandmother.” Look out on a cloudless night sky, find that one star that seems to be twinkling for you alone. Whisper to it your secret message and know that you are not alone! Thank you for sharing!
I am caring for my own mother in declining health from stroke after my youngest brother died 7 yrs ago & diabetes for almost half her life of 84 yrs…(she and I would battle like the most formidable, bitter enemies when I was younger; she is as much me as I am her, same likes, behaviors, mind, libido (LoL) & heart…but seeing her slowly fade each day is as if I am viewing my own decline…
My father is beside her but he, too, is slowly declining (even though he cannot see it himself)…
My crippling depression surges and wanes…often, it is due to how the days go here with their care. Life is never easy, is it? It never promised to be, I guess, so we must deal with our destinies as best we can, for as long as we must.
My mother used to tell me (when I would be troubled & in tears by the deaths of family, friends or lovers over the years) that “Everyone dies…that’s how it is…”
It’s easy to say to someone at those times…(but I wonder how my mother really felt inside when it was her own oldest daughter or youngest son or all of her immediate family in Hawai’i that passed over the years that she was unable to grieve with there because our family didn’t have the financial ability for it…)
Definitely, life is never easy…everyone dies…
Still, though, we have to keep “breathing” and moving on…(we just have to)…
Aging really changes the way one thinks about the looming inevitability of it all…our own mortality rises up to greet us as we usher our loved ones towards the next phase of existence; it’s overwhelming sometimes…incredibly overwhelming…